Dastardly
by DreamingCynic
Summary: Sasuke finds advice on how to be a true dastardly villain from an unlikely source. Sasuhina. Complete and utter crack.
1. Chapter 1

Now, this sounds odd, but this actually contains Harry Potter spoilers (little ones) if that worries you, please turn away.

Enjoy!

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><p>"I'm a dastardly villain. Dastardly. Sly. Handsome. Arrogant. Dastardly. What does dastardly even mean? God knows, All I know is that, I am it. The epitome." Sasuke nodded to himself and altered his akatsuki cloak so it fell more jauntily over his shoulders. As an after thought, he pulled his trousers down, so his pale hips jutted just above the waistline. "Dastardly." He muttered, smirking, brushing his hair back in a flick reminiscent of models in hair commercials.<p>

If a man could be gloriously beautiful, then Sasuke Uchiha was.

"Ano… S-S" A voice stuttered behind him, it's owner having approached whilst Sasuke was occupied.

Sasuke twirled around, his elegance rather unbefitting a rouge ninja. He was faced with a Kohona Kunochi, and his hand moved towards his sword.

Heaven help him, the girl may present him with flowers or something.

"Sasuke-san?" The girl raised her head, and Sasuke realised that she was the female component of team eight. The Hyuga heir. The quiet girl. You had to watch the quiet ones. His eyes narrowed.

"What's your business here?" He sneered.

"Well…" She fiddled with her fingers, and Sasuke realised his Sharingan was activated when he realised he was mirroring her actions and pressing his fingers together. He threw his hands apart with flourish."I was on a mission." She timidly replied. "The boys are camping back in the forest… I went to get some water… I bumped into you…" She trailed off, her eyes flickering around the clearing, away from Sasuke.

"I…o-overheard you. I thought I could help."

Sasuke refrained from cackling. He hadn't yet progressed to madness, though recent events were eventually going to lead him down that path. Instead he simply frowned, and raised one eyebrow in an expression so acidic it made the poor Hyuga girl flustered even though she was concentrating on a spot at least three meters to the left of his head.

"You could help?" Sasuke repeated, allowing sarcasm to cover for his lack of comeback.

"Well…" She sighed. "You're not very dastardly. Not really."

Sasuke pouted. "I am." He retorted

She shrugged it off. "Not really. You could improve."

"Really."

She looked into his eyes, her eyes big and round with enthusiasm. "Yes. Really. Now pull your trousers up and stop looking at yourself in that puddle over there. You could be dastardly. Let me give you s-some tips."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed again. "What have you ever done that's dastardly? You don't look the dastardly type."

She didn't at all. Her eyes were wide and as innocent as they were white. There wasn't anything really special about her, though her lips were shiny. Very shiny. She didn't look like a villain at all. She was a shrinking violet trope, through and through.

She brightened considerably. "That's the key to it all. P-please pull your trousers up. It's distracting."

Sasuke glowered. "What have you done that's dastardly?" But he complied, and covered his exposed flesh.

"Well…" She mused. "You weren't around for when my Nii-san defeated me in the chuunin exams, but well, I help clip Kiba's dog's claws every month. I collect a supply and each month, Neji eats Akamaru's nail trimmings on top of his bento meals. Sometimes I even stick in some of Shino's dead bugs. Of course, it's all crushed and indistinguishable."

Sasuke blanched. "That is pretty dastardly" he admitted.

Hinata put a finger to her lip and stroked it, pouting a little. "I've done worse…"

Sasuke stared. Hinata stared.

"Like what?" Sasuke asked, fascinated by the morbidity.

"Ino once called me fat, or rather, she insinuated it, and thought I wan't clever enough to understand what she was implying. I left her mobile phone number in a telephone booth in downtown Kohona with an advertisement- you know, S&M, anyone looking for a good time… she keeps on changing her number but I always replace the calling card. Savvy right? Drives her mad on a Saturday night."

"Savvy is a cool word." Sasuke nodded, acknowledging the girl, if not accepting a greater power.

Hinata grinned. It looked out of place on her face, and the effect was rather unsettling. Sasuke's stomach jolted oddly, as if it wanted to break free, and run away from the frankly terrifying girl.

"There was this one time that Kakashi brushed me over so he could get Neji on his team. Needless to say- I was not amused so I… oh, you. We ought to get on with you."

"Tell the end of the story." Sasuke blurted out.

"Oh, well. It was understandable and everything I guess because Neji was more suited to that kind of mission, but I had to be satisfied."

"Damn right." Sasuke agreed. He would have been pissed had he ever been passed over for a mission.

"I left a box of expensive hair products outside his door, as if they were from a secret admirer. Of course, they were tampered with. I had used up most of my lady hair removal creams and mixed them into the shampoos and serums . Of course, he used them. Imagine the panic he must have felt when he thought he was going bald. I still laugh when I notice how thin and straggly his hair is nowadays" She giggled to herself.

Sasuke's stomach attempted to escape up Sasuke's oesophagus. She was fucking perfect.

"Now. You."

"H-hai." It was Sasuke's turn to stutter.

"Who is your role model when it comes to villainy?"

"Orochimaru. Itachi occasionally. Madara sometimes. Perhaps sometimes when I really think about it-"

"No. You're wrong. There is only one true villain."

"Huh?" Sasuke didn't even bother to look cool. She was the superior here.

"Snape. Severus Snape." She answered

"From Harry Potter? The potions master?"

"Yeah."

"But he's a good guy. At the end." Sasuke muttered.

"So was your brother. Mindfuckery Sasuke. Mindfuckery." Hinata tapped a finger to her head knowingly. "Do you think I act heavenly for the sheer fun of it? Neji suspects, Ino suspects, Kakashi suspects, but then they just feel paranoid... who could imagine me actually tampering with their hair products or leaving their phone number by prostitutes calling cards?"

"Or putting ground up dog nails in their food, but anyway, surely, Voldemort is far more-"

"He Isn't." Hinata insisted, and rolled her eyes. "Novice mistake."

"How come?" Sasuke was an eager learner.

"Too transparent. Too obvious. A true villain has no real reason to be a bastard. It is imbued in their soul, written into their DNA. They do it because they can. Voldemort has a reason, a motive, an aspiration. He is not a true villain. Snape on the other hand… Snape is a bastard because he is. It's nothing to do with being a Slytherin, or even being bullied. He's just a bastard. A glorious Bastard, and something we can all aspire to."

Sasuke gaped with new understanding. "It's all so clear now…. But I have a reason, a past… how can I ever…"

"Oh Sasuke…" she sighed, her soft voice eliciting a sudden leap from the Uchiha's heart. "You were a prick before you ever had a reason to be a prick, you chauvinistic, elitist Uchiha. You have potential. Big potential. Look where your Brother went. You could surpass Itachi easily"

Sasuke's heart started beating faster. "T-thank you" he muttered.

"No problem." She smiled. "Now. What are your plans?"

"Akasuki…Team Taka…"

"You need to plot a bit more." Hinata nodded. "And Akatsuki was your brother's thing. Really you ought to do something on your own."

"Yeah… I guess. I don't know where to go from here though." Sasuke shrugged. "Everything seems to have been done already. I don't know where I can make my mark. There's nothing original."

Hinata pouted. "You'll have to come up with something."

Sasuke shook his head. "It's hard."

"You'll figure it out." Hinata stated soberly, but not before noticing her watch. "I need to get back to my team. They've probably attempted something stupid. Do you know that Shino once dared Kiba to cut off his arm once and Kiba attempted it?"

"I didn't."

"Well. You do now."

"Oh Cool. Cheers."

"No problem." Hinata smiled softly, and turned.

Sasuke's heart suddenly beat loud against his ribcage. He knew he was afflicted with something, and that Hinata's leaving would make it worse. He had to stop her.

"Wait!" He said.

She turned around before she leapt into the trees.

Silence reigned whilst Sasuke thought of something he could say that was truly and utterly inspiring.

"Your sandals are inappropriate ninja footwear." He said.

Hinata blinked. Sasuke blinked.

"I brought them from the ninja-wear shop in Kohona." Hinata insisted.

"Look at those heels. You'll twist your ankle if you wear those."

Hinata raised her foot and examined it, twisting for examination. "I've had them for two B missions. They haven't caused me any problems."

"It's a matter of time then. You could fall badly and be taken down before you know it if you twist your ankle. You should go for more supportive footwear."

"I guess you're right. They're not exactly regular shinobi footwear." A pout marred her face, but she returned to look at Sasuke and smiled brightly. "Thanks for the tip. Good luck on becoming a true dastardly villain." She waved and pounced into the trees, probably reluctant to find the mess that would have been made at camp in her absence.

Sasuke stopped himself from waving lamely and stared in her general direction. She was right. Akatsuki was Itachi's thing. Being a rouge ninja was Itachi's thing. His chest ached. He couldn't even remember the name of the Hyuuga kunochi with the shiny lips.

Then it hit him.

The key was mindfuckery. What could mindfuck the elders of Kohona more than Sasuke turning back to Kohona and demanding compensation for the loss of his family? Perhaps then he ought to start making outrageous demands; he totalled what idiotic things he could ask for in his compensation package to piss off as many people as possible- Ichiraku's ramen shop sprang to mind, as did the Hokage monument and the Hyuga heiresses' hand in marriage. His mind was made up.

He headed east, to Kohona, his Akatsuki cloak abandoned and his sword sheathed.

He was on his way to becoming the most dastardly of them all. A sly, dastardly smirk ran across his face. Kohona had better prepare for the largest compensation claim in Ninja history.

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><p><span>Author's note<span>

Had this idea after I bumped into a guy I liked and the first thing he said to me was that my friend's shoes were inappropriate for lab-wear. (After a long and awkward silence). Anyhow- assume Hinata has at some point broken into the Kohona record archives and had a jolly old time reading the Uchiha files. (A lazy weekend maybe?) and that Orochimaru keeps collections of children's books. (As if that's a stretch of the mind.)

And yes. Hinata is incredibly OOC. But surely, that's better than the sugary sweet Hinata trope?

Anyhow, thank you for reading this rubbish!


	2. Chapter 2

Sasuke was rolling in it. His compensation claim had snow-balled into the highest profile court case taken against any one government, and now Sasuke Uchiha, rouge ninja and millionaire extraordinaire, lived on the top of the Hokage mountain in a ridiculously large Japanese castle (adorned with as many Uchiha symbol flags as possible to keep the plebs below him in Kohona city aware of who their true master was). His face leered out of economics magazines with that ridiculous smirk adorning his face, and dynamo came to him to consult in their finances.

Without quite realising it, Uchiha Sasuke had inadvertently become a CEO of a company he had yet to name, but was already raking in substantial amounts of money, despite the fact that the ninja academy curriculum had not taught him to read, write, or do simple mathematics.

When he realised he was a business man, he had quietly nodded to himself, accepting his fate, and set about learning the times tables, especially the seven times table, because that was the trickiest of them all.

He had heard that the Hyuuga were into that kind of stuff, you know, money, and being able to add, and times, and even divide as a trick at Christmas parties. So maths had become a hobby, along with finding Naruto, who had moved into Uchiha castle without Sasuke's permission, but as the castle was so large and vast, and Naruto was a half adept ninja, hunting him with an elephant gun and an oversized net by following the trail of Ramen soup stains and discarded noodle had proved a happy respite from maths.

"Uchiha-Dono," interrupted his housemaid, a rather elderly widowed woman, with a love of cats and a general disdain for her master, like a grandmother who wanted a doctor for a grandson, and gained an artist. "There is a visitor that requests your presence."

"Who is it?" Sasuke asked, reclining on a velvet chair, wearing his flannel panamas and browsing through a magazine with his beautiful face gracing the cover.

" A young female-"

"I have no interest."

"She appears quite anxious, and she looks a kunochi, I thought-"

"You've thrown out kunochi before," one of the many things he liked about this particular maid was the precise angle that she threw overtly-obnoxious kunochi over Hokage mountain. Ino had broken her nose on the third hokage's nose in an ironic twist of fate last Thursday, and he wanted to replicate that by calculating the projection.

Sasuke had taken to taking photographs, and working out the precise angle. The Hyuuga would love that.

"She is of one of the clans. She has those weird dead fish eyes."

Sasuke jumped out of his chair, his eyes flashing with some urgency. "Blue hair? Shiny lips?" he gasped, his heart giving away in palpitations.

"Y-yes Sir."

"See her to the best tearoom. My mother's best tea-set. Burn essence in the corner. Tell her I'm busy doing heroic stuff, like finishing my fifth hundred press up. NO. don't do that. Makes me sound like Lee. Tell her… tell her I'm in an executive meeting. With people. Powerful people. About a peace treaty. Chicks dig that, right?"

The old maid sighed and nodded. "I'm sure she'll think it delightful."

"Good. Good." Sasuke intertwined his fingers and hunched over in thought, ignoring the sarcasm in his maid's voice. There was something about Grandmothers and their caustic sneering cynicism that matched any hardened ninja. Anyhow, He needed to wear something snazzy.

"Snazzy is a good word. I'll use it." He said aloud. His maid nodded and walked out taking that as her dismissal and ready to fetch the Kunochi.

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><p>Hinata shuffled on her knees, her legs falling asleep. How long could one meeting last? She didn't even know of any war that needed to be solved, let alone something that Sasuke needed to see to.<p>

He was probably supplying arms or gaining money from the conflict somehow.

The man was a money making machine, she had to give it to him.

She sighed, placing a hand on her chest. She hadn't visited him in the year he had been back, and even now, she was unsure. She had avoided him and ignored him like she had as a child and he had not seeked her out during the course of this year.

Her little, innocent tricks had carried on. Neji was still eating nail cuttings and Hinata was still getting her highs.

Nothing had changed.

Well save for one thing, which had slipped out this morning over her father's hangover, that had disrupted her lovely equilibrium.

"You wanted me?" Sasuke purred from the corner of the tea-room, slinking in.

Admittedly, his Yukata- not too formal, not too casual, fit him well, and he was covering his flesh far more economically, save for the flash of his pale chest that inadvertently her eyes met with.

_Ooh._

Not that it really mattered. Stick on her Byukugan, and she'd see everything.

_Wahey. _

Sexual suggestions were wasted on the Hyuuga. Flash of the leg? Slip of the sleeve? A Hyuuga could tell you what curry you ate the night before and recommend a decent detergent for the skid-marks on your underwear.

But admittedly, the presentation was something. He'd even slicked back his hair, and whilst his hair was too unruly to truly be conquered by the oil (the back still stuck out in that odd duck-tail arrangement, his bangs still remained). It gave his hair and almost ethereal glow. A blinding glow, which irritated her sensitive eyes. And the cologne that he was wearing… it was too much for a formal room setting. Thank goodness she had a little cold.

"I'm sorry- to disturb you, in the meeting now- I j-just, well. Wanted to discuss…things." She burred, suddenly slightly intimidated.

"Oh yes?"

Hinata flushed, his comment was so throw away. Couldn't he see that she had something important to ask him? She shook her head, and bit her lip.

Sasuke appreciated the sight, but he didn't let her know that.

"I-I… got some new shoes. They have superior grip and ankle control."

"That's good." Sasuke sagely nodded. "You've felt definite improvement?"

"Y-yes Sasuke-san." She turned away, not knowing what to talk about, and strangely flushed, her head slightly misty, like she didn't know what to say. That is, she didn't know what to say at all.

"It's the least I can do for you." Sasuke mentioned. "You've set me on the right track. You and all the assassins that the Hokage sent after me that only firmed the courts actions against Kohona. I'm a very rich man. Nowadays."

" Ah. I heard. It must have been hard."

Sasuke shrugged nonchalantly, taking a cup of tea that had already gone cold. "The legal fees were fine. I had some stuff stored away. It was hard to get a fair court though. It had to go to a jury of dynamo from other countries and it went on and on. I got most of what I wanted though."

He tried not to smirk, but he settled on brushing back his hair.

"Oh-yes… I heard…" Hinata gulped. Sasuke watched the movement of her throat. " I was jus-just wonder-wondering, well, ano…" She couldn't do it. "Why do you use katana for fighting?"

She just couldn't approach the subject. She was too shy for this sort of thing, and she couldn't just accost him. It would be rude, and well, painful.

"Well, I…" Sasuke paused. "It sings. It has a spirit. It's a deadly weapon, and it corresponds well to my fighting style. It's like asking why gentle fist for byakugan users such as yourself."

He clocked that excuse for later. Nobody would ever know that it was so that he could pose dramatically with it and have an excuse to whisper haiku after each killing stroke.

"Although." He mused, bringing a hand to his face. "The real question is why don't you use katana. You could be good."

"Oh- Katana are ridiculously easy to chip and notch, and they take so much time to look after- I mean you need to powder, polish and sing them to sleep in perfect Japanese or they have an unsettling tendency to rust to flakes. And they are one sided. They're a bit over-rated," she paused in her scathing criticisms. "Your antique collection and the ones you have hung on your wall are lovely though."

Sasuke blinked. "I-They haven't failed me."

"Yet." Hinata differed.

"Why are you really here?" Sasuke changed the subject, not willing to talk about the bad sides of katana ownership.

Because as far as he was concerned, there were none.

Hinata blinked and sagged. "My father said that you asked for me to be part of the compensation package. As a w-w-wife. I wanted to ask about that."

She was absurdly proud of how clearly it had come out of her mouth.

"Oh. The Hokage said she couldn't go giving away her kunochi willy-nilly and I should ask you myself." Sasuke waved his hand around.

"O-oh."

"I haven't got round to it. I'm making money. The honeymoon will be epic."

"Okay." Hinata frowned. "Wait. What?"

"Hn?"

"Why are we getting married?" Her head was in a haze and she couldn't quite understand what was coming out of the black haired man's mouth. He seemed to be saying words that didn't make sense, or he was using those words when he meant something else, he wasn't ling, he was just presumably a victim of a bad education that concentrated more on hand signs than simple communication.

"We're not engaged yet Darling."

"Yes. Oh. Slip of the tongue. Why are you going to – were going to propose to me. We haven't talked before that encounter. We don't share interests. I like being villainous, and, and…you like Katana."

Sasuke frowned, his forefinger not leaving his chin. "Once you learn the correct Japanese folk songs to protect them from rust, you'll love them."

"I'm not interested in-"

"Then you will be. We'll bond over Katana. That and being dastardly. Oh. And I learnt maths"

Hinata sighed, there were many things Sasuke was, but she was the truly Dastardly one. "Why should we get married?" She asked.

"The real question is why we are not getting married." He nodded sagely.

"That isn't relevant. And we're not getting married."

"A minute ago you were asking me why we were getting married. I think I have your confirmation."

"So what-"

"I accept your proposal. We should get married. And I want a nice ring sweetie." His hand hovered over his head, ready to glide over his exquisite locks.

Hinata blinked. "I didn't propose. Not then," she squeaked.

"It sounded like a proposal. Are you going to leave me, your loving, rich, CEO fiancée?"

Hinata observed the man in front of her, sipping his cup of tea with grace most geisha like, and like a geisha (she had known a few, and they had proven a most sly species) his dark eyes flashed over the brim of the cup, watching her every move, analysing, plotting, predicting. Quite dastardly.

"I'm a CEO myself," she replied.

"Oh yes? I've never heard of a Hyuuga firm."

"Oh. No. I'm just the backer for a cute little company called Akatsuki. It's quite a profitable enterprise."

Sasuke blinked. "The evil Akatsuki? We're both thinking about the same Akatsuki?"

"No, the footwear line Akasuki. Of course the evil Akatsuki! The Hyuuga are expensive you know. My father has his drinking problems, Neji has stomach issues, and my sister has several disorders. Being good, honest Ninja just doesn't pay for it. Being evil has it's profits, you know. Peace never prospers. How many Ninja are out of a job when is all is well and peaceful in the world, eh? Our economy depends on war. It keeps the population down, or you get an awful boom, like in out year. Naruto 'breaking' the cycle of hatred was the most retarded thing I've heard in years. I laughed for weeks."

"I do know, well. So all the Akatsuki was about was...?"

"Daddy's booze money."

They settled down, and each raised their teacups to their mouths.

"I've even learnt my seven times table," Sasuke mentioned, just to add a little something to the conversation.

"I've created a monster." She gasped. "That's a forbidden technique. Where did you find the scrolls? My golly gosh! Why…How…?" Hinata clutched her teacup to her chest in amazement.

"You saw the potential. Your words melded me. You showed me the dark, and I've followed every tip. Did you know I've read all the Harry Potter fan-theories, and I've an extensive research library on Severus Snape. I've read fanfiction, good and bad, and written fanfiction, only to receive feedback telling me I've made him too brutal, or that his wand doesn't turn into a Katana at will from pathetic fangirls that want pairings."

"Actually I've read some very good pairings-"

"All the readers ever want is romance. Badly written smut about bouncing breasts and the phallic imagery of Salazar Slytherin's noble coat of arms. Well I won't stand for it! A true villain deserves better. I swear upon it!"

"Oh Sasuke." Gasped Hinata, rather overtaken, placing her hand over her beast. "You are rather dastardly." Hinata wasn't a woman of easy persuasion, but she got excited, incredibly so, when the subject of Severus Snape was introduced into the conversation.

"You think so?" Asked Sasuke, blushing somewhat.

"If we get married… can we amalgamate our Severus Snape shrines?"

"Oh baby," Sasuke leered, his body suddenly hot. "I thought you would never ask."

Hinata glanced over, and pecked him on the mouth. "I'll go now." She smiled. "Let's keep it a secret. For now. We could date."

"That's cool." Sasuke straightened, and stared at her again.

Hinata got the hint, and kissed him again. And again, and again, and a little more, just to make sure. It was like she could taste the maths knowledge radiating off him, or it might have been the cologne, but none the less, it was awesome either way.

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><p>And from that day, the "quiet" couple of Sasuke and Hinata amalgamated together. Nobody was quite sure when they started seeing each other, and it took an announcement of marriage to make everyone aware of their attachment—Neji had been quite happily oblivious until then, and it was said that his expression was somewhat comedic, or at least, as comedic as Neji Hyuuga could manage.<p>

Never less, behind the happily ignorant backs of the Ninja of Kohona, a silent war waged, one of devious one- uppery, of mastermindery of mindfuckery. The relationship bloomed into fruition as Kakashi's hair slowly waned (Hinata challenged Sasuke to find a different way of introducing hair reducing creams to Kakashi's hair every month), and on top of Hokage Mountain, the Uchiha-Hyuugas lived, quite content living off the misery of those around them, and breeding a new generation of Uchiha-Hyuugas, who hunted their Uncle-cum-squatter Naruto on weekends and learnt from the age they could walk how to multiply, and how to destroy their enemies in the most painful way possible, all the while posing with their hugely ineffective, but impressive Katana.

And of course, that line prospered in the most dastardly way possible.

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><p><strong><span>* Author's Note*<span>**

Just something that has been brewing in my mind for a long, long time. :D I wanted to finish this, and I've been revising/ doing diddly-squat for what seems like a far too large portion of my life. I think I just needed to stone this particular story before I can force myself to do some chemistry. Wish me luck for the exams ;)

God. I need it.


End file.
